Today I'm going to touch on something I deal with EVERYDAY. I have finally found a way to handle this topic with grace and peace.
I am lucky and I am blessed and despite being told this all the stinkin' time by friends and family, I have finally found a way to not feel anger towards it. You are likely asking why would I be angry about being told how lucky I am? Maybe it's because it's repetitive, but really it was deeper than that. When someone tells you that they hope you thank your husband every day for all that he does... I mean it stings a little right?
I will start out by saying, I'd rather talk about things in my life that are great and that maybe makes me come across as fake or entitled? I have a great husband, he is helpful, he is handy, he puts us first and yes, I couldn't imagine doing life without him. And yes, he knows I am thankful and soo very grateful!! We have 2 children- It can be crazy with said children but at the end of the worst days, I couldn't feel more blessed. I will be the first to tell you how crazy my kids are, I don't hide the "bad" if you want to call it that. My life is exactly how it appears on social media and exactly how I portray it in real life. I'm not perfect, I'm not entitled, I'm honest and down to earth and to be pretty honest, I'd rather be positive than negative and that is just how I've decided to live my life.
I'd like to think I've lived my darkest years while dealing with infertility. M and I kept this struggle silent for the duration of our struggle for 4 years. We chose to do this because we didn't want pity parties or people up in our buisness. We didn't know how to handle it ourselves and therefor couldn't explain to people what we were dealing with. We didn't want that negative attention. This doesnt mean that we we didn't tell anyone, our closest friends knew and our immediate family knew.
Those days taught me more about myself and they have shaped and created the person I am today. I can say I'm a better person today than I was then. I am constantly working on myself to be the better mom, the better wife, the better friend, the best me I can be.
I can also honestly say that I believe dreams come true.
Perspective is everything and while we create new dreams every day, we are currently living our dream. Does this mean things always go as planned? Nope. We struggle, things come up, life happens, but we get through it. But we get through it with grace and posititivity. We all have our own roads we have walked. I've been in the trenches begging for answers of why me and now I cringe at these thoughts. I was always asking the wrong question. The why me wasn't going to get me the answers I thought I needed. And when I finally figured that out, I began asking what's next? How do we get through it? Like I said, once you hit the darkest period of your life, you can choose to come out and find the light, or you can get stuck in the hole. We can't predict our futures. I had no idea the cards we were going to be dealt in life or if I was even strong enough to handle it. I grew up believing that God would never give you something you couldn't handle.
Infertility was hard. It was hard on our marriage, it was hard on both of us personally, emotionally, mentally, you name it. It was easier to give up at times or to be negative. It's actually really hard to go back to that place, even just to talk about the struggles we faced. We persevered. It took a lot of work. It took a lot of real and deep moments and conversations and a whole new type of vulnerability that neither one of us were necessarily ready for.
So, yes, I am lucky, I am soo very lucky. The reminders are great, but you know what it didn't come easy. It didn't come without work. When everyone is telling me how lucky I am, it almost belittles all the hard work that has gone into creating this luck in the first place. And that is where the whole worth comes into play. I would hear how lucky I am constantly, but no one is telling my husband how lucky he is? So I began to question my own worth. I began to question him if there was more I should be doing. I was beginning to question my role as his wife, wondering why it felt like everyone was hassling me. It made me want to shut down and close the doors to my life. It made me want to shut down friendships and stay home. I think part of it for me, is that in the trenches I learned to stop comparing my life to others and here it was creeping back in and creating a dark spot.
I have no problem recognizing how "great I have it" - I work hard with my husband to make this happen. Why was I now bringing issue into things that clearly aren't an issue?
I began questioning my own worth. I began to wonder if I was worthy of this life we created, I chose my husband, he was raised right, I don't want to change him, not one thing. I do want to change myself and grow as a person constantly. Is he perfect? No. But why does that matter? I'm not either and the people looking at my life to pass judgement - they aren't either!!
I am worthy. I am enough. I do enough. I could do more, but couldn't we all? Why was I letting this comment rip into me. Is my husband lucky? Does he think he's lucky, because in all honesty- that's the only question that matters. The answer is yes. I didn't need him to stroke my ego and tell me why, he did anyways, but that's just who he is. I made sacrifices too, so while he is at work earning our money, I'm at home raising our children, trying to maintain our household, our family, our dreams. I let my career go because family is what was important to us. We were both brought up with our mothers at home raising us. I quit working so I could get pregnant in the first place. It wasn't an easy decision and it came with a lot of judgement and still does. But that is a whole separate issue on its own.
So while I am lucky, I am also worthy. I chose a great guy to spend my life with and we both work really hard together to make our life work.
So if you are asking yourself the same questions. Stop. Take the "lucky" comment as a compliment and leave it there. Ask the one who matters and leave it at that. Strive to be better. Hold your chin up. Don't make issue where there isn't one and just as I don't compare my life to others, don't you go there either. Your life will not be the same as anyone else's.
Just love the life you do have. Have gratitude, be aware of your own life and don't be afraid to awknowledge all that it took to get there. I am not better than anyone else and neither is my life. My life is what I have worked hard to make it.
If you are in those trenches, follow the light, turn the negatives into positives. Stop asking why and ask the right questions and it will lead you to the answers. Start with small changes and know that it won't happen over night and that it takes time. You need to love yourself before you can accept love.
You are worthy of the life you are in the process of creating, the one you are capable of making. You are likely just as lucky and worthy as I am, so stop letting people make you question that.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
How was this weekend the middle of August already?? Where has summer gone?? I still have things on our list to do with the kids, but we are running out of weekends!
We packed a little picnic and had lunch ther. The kids did pretty good! Noah actually watched the game - I was shocked! Em started to lose it just as they finished playing.
Monday morning I decided to get crafty with the kids and we did some water colour painting! I used my cricut to print out their name in vinyl and peeled it off after they finished.
We had some friends over for a swim and play date before lunch. I failed at taking pictures!! I was happybthe eclipse was happening while the kids were napping so I didn't have to worry about them looking at the sun, especially since I kept going outside to check it out... but safety first...
Friday morning we went to the splash pad with friends and had an impromptu lunch date too!! The kids had a blast needless to say!
Friday night I had a friend come over to use my cricut while M had ball. Turns out he was bringing the ball team back to our pace afterwards!! Good thing we cleaned the garage out last weekend.
I ended up forgetting to put on my lavender oil before bed and woke up with swollen itchy eyes. They felt horrible. Crazy how quickly a reaction can come when I forget my oil!!
I ended up forgetting to put on my lavender oil before bed and woke up with swollen itchy eyes. They felt horrible. Crazy how quickly a reaction can come when I forget my oil!!
Saturday morning we went for a family bike ride to the park and played for a bit before heading back home.
We worked in the yard a bit before lunch. M had a ball tournament and his first game was during naptime. So I stayed home and worked on laundry! We were planning on attending the next game, but his first game ran soo late, my eyes were really bugging me, so we ended up staying home and making a quick dinner. Noah was not too impressed. When M got home he took the kids swimming. Em is in love with jumping off the stairs, so we have been moving them to the middle of the pool for safety!
After we got the kids in bed, we had a little impromptu date night, enjoying some take out from the pub. We wanted to watch a movie, but my eyes were just soo sore. I ended up going to bed early.
Sunday morning we had a pancake breakfast, worked on some chores before heading to M's ball game.
We were home just in time for naptime, which I spent in the pool floating around instead of doing jobs on the to-do list!!
Our supper was a bust... but we were able to scrounge up enough food for dinner. Em was super cranky. It just wasn't good. So we went for a bike ride before bed!
After we got the kids down, I got brave and decided to take Maggie for a bike ride... she loves to run and does great roller blading with M. So we tested it down at the park on the walking path and she did pretty good, so I thought we would try the road... and well we ended up cancelling that plan, we are not ready for that!
Around 4 I took the kids to the farm so M and I could get started on the dining room floors!! We were soo surprised on how far we made it!! M's parents brought the kids home for bath and bedtime!
Yesterday was Grandma-date day for Noah and Mommy/Emilya day. Unfortunately Em had to get a vaccine in the morning, but she did pretty good with it. I managed to get a work out in since she had a monster nap and then before I knew it was 4:30 and time to take her to the farm again so M and I could finish the floors.
We finished the floors, but still have to put the trim up. Turns out we have to stain the dining room table next because it doesn't match the floors!! I'm actually looking forward to the change, despite it being a lot of work.
A few more sleeps until I see Luke Bryan!!
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Wow, it has literally been a week since I have been able to get a post up over here. I mean I have been working on one, but I haven't found enough courage to click publish, as it is a bit deeper than I typically go! It's coming though.
Our weekend was actually low key. I didn't make an extravagant to-do list, we just enjoyed some family time.
It was M's birthday and he had been talking about wanting a bike for some time, so I thought perfect, we are going bike shopping! Little did I know when he said he wanted a bike that what he really meant was that he wanted us to get new bikes!
Noah's bike was getting small for him and we were planning on getting him a new one for Christmas, but we wanted to be able to enjoy longer bike rides and for him to be comfortable. The bike we got is a smidge big for him, but it will work for him longer! Funny enough before we left he told grandma he was going to buy a green bike... sure enough the kid got a green bike. He was on cloud 9 all day!!
Miss Em may not have gotten a bike, but she was pleased as punch with her new helmet and bike seat!!!
A look back:
We went to visit Grandma and Grandpa at the flying club in the morning. Noah loved watching the airplanes.
Sunday we tackled making room in the garage for the bikes, maybe just maybe I'll be able to park in there this winter!! Granted all the flooring is in there right now!
Didn't he just fit in this car yesterday??
We also spent the afternoon in the pool and playing in the yard. This girl LOVES "blowing" bubbles!
"Mom, you should take our picture" - okay!!
They may not fit together, but gosh it's cute!!
Thursday, August 10, 2017
I am still in disbelief that summer is almost over!!! How is it August already, I'm not even sure??
Aside from the fact that it has been a busy summer for us, we do have a lot on the go, but I'm hoping these last few weeks we can soak up.
Noah's at his last morning of pre-school today! He will start back up in September going Thursday mornings and then hopefully come the new year he can go Tuesday and Thursday. He is doing much better with drop offs, just in time to make him start all over again in September of course!
He is obsessed with his Daddy right now, this pretty much happens after a long weekend... but every melt down he wants Daddy, doesn't like the rules, he wants Daddy, has friends over, he wants Daddy... part of the issue is he spent a few days at the farm (Tuesday is Grandma Date Day and Em and an appointment yesterday) and he's used to the guys being in the shop, however they moved to the fields this week, so it's an adjustment for sure and Daddy is home a lot later now as well. Hopefully next week will be better! This week is all about sass and more sass!!
Em got her new ear mould yesterday! Crazy how much her ear has changed since we started! I expected it to grow but it has changed shape too!
Last night we put in our gate in the back of the yard, so now all the neighbour kids can play together without having to go around the block! Okay, it's for us adults too - and the dogs! It's like a dog park! Although Miss Maggie has her limp back bad today after playing last night. She dug in the same hole to start the pain back up again, we had a full day of no limping on Tuesday... so we are going to wash her nails out again and keep an eye on her. Hopefully it's nothing serious.
I thought bringing in this table for the kids to play at was a great idea... except it's becoming more of a jungle gym than anything else with Miss Em. Noah will sit and play at it. I'm trying to stay consistent with the no climbing it rule.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
We don't tend to do much on this long weekend ever. Well I actually think we do projects and well that is just what we did! The weather really wasn't all that nice.
Monday morning we put some of the stuff in and I'm soo happy we did this!! It really works for our family and make sure this closet function again.
Friday night M had ball, I was cozied up on the couch with a bowl of air-popped popcorn watching my shows.
Saturday morning we decided that we were going to tackle the breakfast bar. You know when you get an idea in your head and yu can't rest until it's done... this was one of those!
With the kitchen being almost done now, I wanted nothing more but to clear my counters!! I wanted the keurig, the toaster, the bread box, my canisters, etc. gone! But I also know we don't quite have the budget for the extravagant plans I originally wanted to do, but you know what? There is is always a way to do it cheaper and still get half decent results! And in the end, I'm really happy with how it turned out!!
So that meant a trip into the hardware store - we changed up stores so we didn't look like regulars... we got everything we needed! I started staining the shelves right away!
After naps we played outside for a bit! Noah insisted on wearing his fire helmet! It doesn't take much for this kid to crack me up these days. If you watch my insta-stories, you would have seen his sneeze trick with bubbles... where does he come of with this stuff??!!
We decided since we couldn't go swimming that it was a good day for the bouncy castle! Em was a riot watching her try to jump.
The new neighbours grandson was over visiting, so Noah invited him to come bounce too! The boys had fun climbing and sliding. I still don't regent buying that thing.
We did manage to get the new lights hung above the gazebo!! We found bulb lights at Costco! Love the way they look, although the pic doesn't quite do it justice!!
Miss Maggie decided digging a hole in our yard was a smart idea... but really it wasn't and she ended up injuring her paw in the process. Her idea of rest is running around and playing.
Sunday morning we were ready to start! We had electrical work to do, we thought drywalling... but then I remembered that we had 2 sheets of panelling that I had saved for some crazy reason!! We have held onto it for 6/7 years. Finally my hoarding paid off and I had just the plan for it!! We were going to paint it white and it could look like board and baton or even shiplap! It would make the grey shelves really pop! So got right on that project. Look at how ugly it was:
This project should have only taken us a few hours tops, but it really took us ALL day by the time we entertained the kids and kept them involved. Projects of any kind with children always take longer and require copious amounts of patience!
It didn't help that Em is getting her eye teeth right now and was super irritable.. we hoped that some fresh air would help, but it didn't last! They threatened storms in the afternoon, so we thought we better get them outside to play for a bit at least.
We were in the very last stages of getting the project done, so we made the kids stay up late (parenting fail) and got it done! We did reward them with some Ipad time, something they don't get often at all, but when we pull it out it is like magic! Look at them:
Noah couldn't wait to make toast!!
We finally snapped a few photos of Em at 16 months! She was too grumpy in her actual 16th month birthday, so we snapped a few on Monday!
The rest of the day we worked away on the to-do list and look how much we accomplished!!
Not all of it, but quite a bit and a few extras! Sorting through kids toys was likely my most unfavourable task of the day!
Grandma and Grandpa came over for dinner and then we went swimming! This pool heater is definitely making us use the pool more!!
We tried Em in her puddle jumper for the first time and oh my goodness she took off!! She a bit small for it, but it works! She gets soo bored being held all the time but hates her life jacket!